Dear Kurt
by Bamboloccia
Summary: Unable to understand her feelings, Jane buys a yellow notebook at a gas station. Based after 2x09. (One Shot)


So I have been writing some songs recently based on some of the characters off of Blindspot. I was having a problem coming up with some lyrics, so I decided to write as if I were Jane, and I ended up with this. I hope you like it.

Daniela

 _It is harder than it seems_

 _Love takes parts of you_

 _My memories and my dreams_

 _Make it hard to break through_

 _I'd be yours, you'd be mine_

 _In love we would plunge and fall_

 _But that would be another life_

 _Where we could of had it all_

Dear Kurt,

I was in the gas station tonight, and I stumbled on this yellow notebook. I have been looking for a way to talk, and to let out how I feel. People say talking can help, but I have never really been able to find the words. So when I saw this notebook as I came in to pay cash for the gas, the thought came to me I could just write it down. I enjoy drawing, maybe this will be different? Who knows? I don't.

So I came home to write. I stared at the notebook for an hour. I didn't know even how to start. My life has fallen apart, and I don't know what to do. The mask of strength is the only thing that keeps me together, as I try not to cry so I don't wake Roman.

I sat for what seemed to be an eternity on this cold tile floor, dull pencil in hand, and a clean lined notebook. I couldn't come up with anything. I know that sometimes people address their thoughts to a diary, or to an imaginary friend. I tried that, but I would just end up ripping the page out of the notebook. No matter how hard I tried, the words that leered in my mind could not come out. I just sat with crumpled pieces of lined paper around me.

I had nothing. That is, until I started to address this journal to you. Even with everything that has happened, and everything we have went through, you are still the only one I trust. To tell you the truth, I hate that fact. I want to hate you, but I can't. So my only peace in writing this letter is knowing you will never read it. Words may not come easy for me, but they do when I am with you. I am better when I am with you. Even though you may not see it. Even with all the baggage and the hatred, I just hope you find in your heart to love me again.

So first I would like to apologize for not coming back to the FBI. I am sorry for all what had happened. I didn't know it was a trap. I should have known. I still feel the innocent blood on my hands, and I cry every day for it. Even before the attack against the team, too many people died by my hands. Mayfair, Oscar, and probably too many to count as Remi. I have dreams sometimes, haunting dreams of who I was before. I wake up in cold sweats, as I try to piece back the reality I live in now.

I foolishly came back to the wreckage site yesterday, and I saw you. I knew that I shouldn't be anywhere near a Sandstorm site, but I needed to see what had happened. I left Roman home, and told him that I was going shopping. I hate lying to him, but I only do it to protect him. Like I tried to do with you. Hopefully I am doing it right this time.

I hid behind a building when I saw you with Zapata and Nas. I worried for Reade. I was overcome with relief when I overheard Zapata tell one of the officers that he was in the hospital, and he would be fine. I stood behind the broken building, as I wiped the tears from my eyes. I thought you all had died. I thought I had killed you all.

I wanted to warn you about Dr. Borden, but I also overheard you say that Patterson was in the hospital, and that Dr. Borden had shot her. With all my anger towards Borden, I was surprised that he took Patterson to the hospital, before he fled. I hope you catch him.

I watched as you and some officers turned over the large rubble pieces, searching for survivors. I saw you yelling in frustration at Nas. She was trying to comfort you and tell you it was time to go, but you jerked her away, as you said that you wouldn't leave before you found me. I wanted to let you know that I was alive, and that I didn't betray you. I wanted to rush over to you, touch you, and tell you that everything was okay. But, I couldn't. I couldn't because of Roman.

I know you would probably come unglued, but I know you never will. You never will know what happened to me, because I can never come back. But, I still am able to imagine you with your angry eyes yelling obscenities at me. It's okay. I understand.

I erased Roman's memory.

I erased Roman's memory.

I erased it.

All of it.

No matter how many times I write it, it doesn't seem real. But, he lies by me asleep in this small, cheap, motel room on a stained mattress. Yes, I know it probably was not a good idea for our end mission to erase his memory, but Kurt he is my brother. He is all that I have in this life, and I wanted him to finally find peace. I knew in the moment I erased his memory I would probably regret the decision, however, it was a risk I was more than willing to take. What was done has been done. There is no turning back now.

I couldn't come back, because I knew he would not be protected. I couldn't let what happened to me in the CIA happen to him. Especially now that he is so pure, and believes in everyone, and everything.

The best thing that ever happened to me is that I lost my memory. It is never a thing that I thought I would ever say. I get bits and pieces of my past in dreams, and I try to determine what is real. I guess that is what happens when your past reality becomes a fantasy. My written story that I can never read. Roman gets the dreams too. He wakes up screaming some nights. I know how to comfort him, because I know how he feels. But, it is better than what we were before. Anything is better than what we were before.

That past fantasy or reality…whatever it is …molded me into a horrible person. I was a person that killed innocent people, a person who was ruthless, and a person angry at the world. I was that person because of what I let the world make of me. The sad thing is, I was a small child when it happened, and Roman was even smaller. I was taught to become ruthless. When I finally thought I was saved, I was brainwashed into believing a woman that I thought was my mother. The only real mother I ever had, never truly loved me, nor Roman. Even though he tried to believe it so badly. He desperately tried to cling to the daydream that she loved him, even when she hurt him, or tried to kill him. Like she did to me. The same day she tried to kill everyone I love. That was the moment I knew I never really had a mother.

The memories that I get are horrible, and with the conversations I had pre-memory wipe with Roman I can kind of piece together a past life. It is a hazy inconclusive past life, but a past life nonetheless.

After I talked with you over the phone, Roman drugged me. With gum of all things. He said that it was the same gum from the gum wrapper I gave him when we were kids. When I realized what he had done, it was too late. (I swear I will never chew gum again. When I bought this notebook at the register I almost puked when I saw the bubble gum.)

When I woke up Shepherd had me tied to a chair. I begged Roman to help me, but he just sat there like a deer caught in the headlights. Shepard made me watch her kill the team, but not before she told me about Dr. Borden. I only wish I would have remembered. That is the only memory that I wish I could have kept. But, I foolishly trusted him, and shared with him my deepest feelings, when he was only betraying me. I can only imagine how you feel. I wish that I could have remembered him, maybe then Patterson would be safe. I still want to believe that Borden is a good man. But, like I said before it hard for me to realize what is real anymore.

The only thing that I could think of when Shepard talked to me, when she showed me a over a screen my team she was going to blow up, was you. I don't know why. I do care still for everyone, but my thoughts came back to you. I heard once that the people that you care for the most are the ones you think about first.

I asked Shepherd where you were, and she said that she had, "Another plan for you". I wish I could remember. Another memory I wish I had kept. I sit up most nights trying to remember. I search this blank mind and it reminds me of the crumpled pieces of paper surrounding me. Small insignificant words with no substance. Why can't I remember? Why can't I help you?

You know I dream about you sometimes, but like in my actual life, my past life usually comes back to screw everything up. Things were simpler without Remi, and without Sandstorm. Just like Roman with Shepherd, it is just a daydream. Daydreams never belong in reality. Neither does a life of love belong to me.

I plan on stopping Sandstorm on my own. But, things are complicated right now. I can't let Roman get into a fight he no longer remembers. So I plan and I try to remember. I try to figure out why your name is on my back, as much as it is in my mind.

I loved you Kurt. I still do. I just think I have to surrender to that fact. Even though you were never mine. Even though the life I thought I had was never real. I sometimes come back to that past reality I had., when I was Taylor Shaw, and when everything was simple. I sometimes hope that it still is true. But, I don't let that daydream stay for long.

Love,

Jane


End file.
